This post is the reason for THIS POST.
Depression.
I’ve struggled with the big ugly D word for all of my adult life. I never talk about it. I never tell anyone. I don’t even think my Inlaws or any extended family know. {They do now!}
After I had Travis 9.5 years ago I was overwhelmed with Postpartum Depression. I took antidepressants for about a year, and then was able to pull myself together and get off the antidepressants.
Two and a half years later Kinsey was born. Same drill. Postpartum Depression and antidepressants.
But this time, after a year, I got too depressed when I stopped the antidepressants. So I went back on them.
And that has been my life since. Every few years I’ll start feeling well enough to stop the drugs, then ::BAM:: I’m in bed with no energy to move or get up.
I don’t get suicidal-depressed. It’s never that bad. But I just get in a funk. I’m either mean and onry, or I’m just really really sad. For no reason. At all.
I’ve tried dozens of different antidepressants, but I always go right back to the same one. And the weird thing is, I have to take it a specific way, or it just doesn’t work as well. It has to be the generic from of the drug {weird, I know} and I have to take two 150mg pills in the morning, not one 300mg pill. If I migrate away from this dosage, I’m a wreck on the couch with the ice cream watching reruns of Friends episodes all day every day.
I am pretty indifferent about having to take antidepressants. Some people will do anything to not take them. Some people try their whole lives to get off of them. Me? I’d rather just take two little light blue pills each morning and have a great happy day.
I’ve accepted the depression, that I will probably always struggle with it. I haven’t rolled over and let it win, but I’ve just accepted it. And a little pill in the morning is far easier than fighting off the sadness with energy drinks and Diet Dr Pepper.
I guess it was easier for me to accept this life sentence because of my family history. It’s plagued with depression and Bipolar (I’m not Bipolar, btw Thank God). And from what I know about depression, it tends to be more prominent in families that already have it, so I’d accepted the fact that I may have it before I ever even had the first sign.
So, ya. I have depression. And I take medication for it, and will probably continue to take medication for it the rest of my life.
And even on medication, some days are still bad. Some days I wake up fine, and then all it takes is something that makes me doubt myself and I’m sulking the rest of the day. So it is today. Today I am sad. Today I’m sitting on the couch sulking. Not crying, just not wanting to get up and do anything.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe this afternoon will even be better, but today, right now, it’s here. And at least I’m typing on the computer instead of drowning my sorrows with bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream.
I am right there with ya girl. Lucky for us they have meds that work most of the time. Wish you were my neighbor so we could de-funk each other on our good days… Hang in there, you know it will pass.
Understand. I too have depression. It started big time after the adoption of my 3rd child. Within 9 months of coming home he had PE tubes, cleft palate repair, ABR (to make sure he wasn’t deaf), started early intervention, diagnosed with autism, evaluated for and started special ed preschool. Still on them today. I have to take my at bed time.
I totally know what you’re going through! I went on anti depressants a year ago and at first I was ashamed and worried about it, now that I see the difference I’m okay with it. I’m more level headed and calm…not my bipolar self. Some of us just don’t have enough seratonin (is that the right chemical word??) in the brain…there is nothing wrong with you or nothing wrong needing some meds to make you balanced. The people who are negative or make you feel bad about it are uneducated about it! You’re not alone and it’s good to know these days are few and far between!
You are not alone.
I have family and friends with depression. Some need meds, some don’t. I know it can be a continual battle. You are in my prayers.
Ivy
I feel your pain. I have it too, and some days its like another person who lives with us. Sometimes I’m great, and sometimes I don’t want to get up. You’re not alone and I think you’re very brave to talk about it. So many people don’t. Wishing you all the best and to a better day tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing. I love your blog…you crack me up. I suffer from anxiety and some days I just want to stay in bed all day. I am glad you have found meds that work for you, there is nothing wrong with that.
You’re not alone Allison!
I too am having one of those days. It’s a gorgeous sunny day, I just had an offer to take one of the girls for a few hours after school… and I just want to sit, and do nothing.
At least you’re able to blog about it!
Hang in there! Depression is not fun or easy to deal with. I watch my husband suffer and everyday is a struggle! Tomorrow is a new day!
Allison, there are lots of women that suffer with depression. I know I have been 115 pds I have been 220 pds, all because of depression. I know the effects it has on you or shall I say I think I can relate to you. I no longer take meds. I either felt sick, or sleepy. My depression seems to come and go, but I have learned coping skills to help me better. I try to think positive about things. I have a totally different outlook now I try really hard to think positive, even when I am thinking negative. I feel down on myself, sad I can’t fit into a pair of jeans or that my cake was dry, but then I try to think o’well those jeans will just have to go :0 there ugly anyways.. lol… or my cake is dry but will be good with some milk. I know silly huh… but I have to think that way. I have to say though you are a great person I read your blog frequently and LOVE it, you have humor, brains, beauty in you and all u make and do, and a crafty hand if I do say so myself. I see so much positive in you! Depression may get the better of you on some days, but it will not DEFEAT you…:)
Thank you for sharing. I know it can be so hard to be up front about it. I started my struggle with depression much like you…after the birth of our first child with severe postpartum. I have been on my meds since. I’m at the point where if it takes a pill to help me be functional and emotionally available for my family, that is more important than the alternative. I try to be open about it now because I remember feeling so alienated and wondering if anyone else was like this too. So…thank you.
It`s seams like you wrote about my life, but you know I consider myself as a lucky person to feel the diference now and see life differently (I hope my english writing is understandable…)
Pascale
I ‘assume’ I have depression… I haven’t been to the dr for the proper diagnosis… I find those down days to be a blessing to me, I connect with my children more on those days than I do when I am cleaning and crafting and well anything else 🙂 Just having no energy to do chores gets us all piled on the couch to read or watch movies together. Sometimes it’s several days at a time sometimes it’s just a few hours. I guess because I don’t have the healthcare I have learned how to make due with depression. It also helps that I gave up on being perfect a long time ago and just live 🙂
Oh honey. I am sorry that you are struggling with this. You have an amazing attitude and outlook on it though. Know that you are not alone! Love and hugs being sent your way.
<3,
Adri
http://www.dreambookdesign.com
Been There, Done That. Didn’t get the t-shirt, but I could make one if I ever wanted to. I did the anti-depressants, too, and there’s pretty much 3 years of my life that are a blur to me. When I finally felt well enough to get off of them, I had about 5 really good years without meds. Then a couple of moves later, some other life events and I realized I wasn’t cured. I manage my depression now with Vitamin-D and 5-HTP. Once I get my foot fixed (surgery tomorrow!) I’ll go back to exercising which is as effective for me as Prozac ever was.
It’s important to learn the signs, understand your body and get plenty of rest. (Fatigue is a major depression trigger). Remember that any voice that tells you that you are not beautiful, talented, smart, funny or fabulous is the Depression talking. Don’t believe it and remember what Scarlett said, “Tomorrow is another day!”
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Allison, it was so brave of you to share this post! I too have friends who suffer from depression. It’s a constant struggle and they are on again off again with the drugs. I’m glad you know what works for you. I’m sorry today is one of those sad days…just remember…this too shall pass. I so enjoy your blog! Thanks for sharing your skeletons with us! 🙂
You are NOT ALONE in this struggle. As you can see by the comments, plenty of us struggle too. There is no shame in taking meds – you have a chemical imbalance. Would a diabetic not take the meds they need to stay healthy?
Hang in there girl! You are an amazing lady – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
{{Big Old Bloggy Hug}} ~Nadine In Nevada
Awww, friend!
I so know this, personally. Postpartum rocks me to the core. I had our FOURTH kiddo (FOURTH!!!! PPD x4!) 8 months ago and I’m still weaning off my antidepressants. I used to get so ashamed, but after my 3rd child and trying to deal with it myself (unsuccessfully), I said I’d never go through a delivery and not treat it AGAIN. It’s miserable!
Thanks for sharing, I’m sure many out there CAN relate!
Well Allison, you make my day every time I read your blog. To me you are the funniest, honest and down to earth person ever, and that just makes my life a little better by you just being you. (the video you did about your pants ripping still to this day is my favorite) I think all woman have depression, some more than others like yourself, hormones probably play a large part in it, not that I am some expert. But I notice my moods are swinging more towards depression or just down and no energy as I get older. Just remember, you may not be able to cheer yourself up, but you sure do cheer us up even if it is on one of your bad days. Hugs, Stephanie
You have a great support system here…I’ve suffered from depression my whole adult life (actually my teens) but didn’t go see my first Dr. until I was in my early 20’s…It’s good you found meds…I’ve had so many different kinds (I’m terrible with side effects) and like you when I think I’m good I feel I don’t need them…hahahah…WRONG!!! Atleast I can be lazy with my laptop on my lap and laugh & cry with you ;-)…
I could go on and on…Since I started blogging it actually gives me something to look forward to everyday…I enjoy it so much…See there is more to the name of my blog “My CRAZY Beautiful Life”…LOL
Add me to the Zoloft and Xanax love. I have the ‘black dog of depression’ compounded with SADD. So what has been working for me is bumping the Zoloft up between November and March, bumping the dose down during the spring and summer, and taking the Xanax when I travel. I feel like I can function normally: I pray the same for you! Hang in there, and thank you for sharing with us!
I am a follower of you blog, but I am posting this anonymosly (sp?) for my dad. He has depression and tries to hide it from most people. I am so glad to see that you are fine with it. As a family member of someone that suffers from depression I understand how hard it is. I have found myself in quite the funk from time to time and it’s very hard to talk about!! My hat goes off to you for being brave enough to talk about it in such a public way because it is nothing to be ashamed of!!! I hope you have a good day and I hope that your days are easier for you!!!
Hi! I subscribed to your blog awhile ago on Google Reader, and I have to say that I have enjoyed every post! I live your projects and the way you blog about them! You’re great!
About the depression, it totally runs in my family too. As soon as the postpartum started kicking in after having my first baby, I was kind of in denial about it and I new I needed to do something before I was living like the rest of my family. I didn’t want to take anti-depressants. I’m a sensitive person and a lot of things had an effect on me, so I tried to brush them off as much as I could! I tried to stay positive and get out of the house, even if it was a quick walk around Target. I made sure to EAT WELL, because when you’re down, it’s easy to eat cookies all day(I’ve done it and felt wayyy worse than I had ever felt). Getting the right nutrition and exercise can make a huge difference! If I wake up now and if I can feel like it’s going to be one of “those” days, I take a Vitamin B-complex, and make sure I get out of the house, even if I don’t feel like it. During the day, I’ve completely forgotten that I felt even remotely bad in the morning. I know I’m not an expert, but I know how I have felt and how I feel now! It’s your body and mind! Take control of it, and don’t let the depression take control of what you want to do!
A very well written post about a very difficult to talk about subject. Bravo to you for being so brave! A lot of people can relate to this post, as you can tell from all your comment love. I hope you are feeling better after writing this!
I do not struggle with depression now, but as a teenager I was suicidal and hospitalized for many months. I don’t really talk about it much, and, just like you, I don’t think my in laws even know. When I think back though, it makes me cry to think that I might not be here now had I not gotten help. I am so grateful to all of my wonderful therapists, the hospital staff, and everyone who lifted me up when I could not do so for myself. The best thing to ever happen to me, really, because I learned so much from it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. And there is hope for depression, anxiety, panic attacks and chronic pain sufferers.
The world is a beautiful place and we must try to remember to give thanks for one small thing everyday. Every day, every struggle is really just a blessing. The journey is worth all of the pain.
Well, since I had a life shattering moment about three years ago, I have struggled with that same sense ennui. I don’t want to get up a lot of mornings. Today is also one of those ‘I don’t want to get off the couch’ days. I know I should count my blessings but, I don’t have it in me. I’ve never taken medication but, I’m seriously starting to think that I should at least try something like St. John’s wort (herbal). I don’t think menopause helped this mess and frankly, I’m tired of it. So, I can truly relate.
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. Hope tomorrow is a brighter day (for both of us!). 🙂
thank you for sharing. God’s mercies are new each morning ~ hope tomorrow brings you some sunshine 🙂
OH my!! This post has me thinking…maybe I’m depressed!! And maybe I should seek help….I keep thinking I have NO energy cause of my diet or my weight gain or my son is just draining me…
I look really cool online…ie my blog or facebook page…people always comment how creative I am and how do I do so much…but truth is I go weeks without leaving the house and most days don’t get dress or shower….
Hmmm..Thanks!
Girl! I knew you were my kind of gal from the start. I have the sane story. The bid D didn’t come until after my 3rd baby and I thought it was more due to his scary entrance into our world. I finally got meds and my dr told me that some people just have a pre-disposition to it and when that little switch flips they may only have it a little while or if could trigger a lifelong battle. My first go around was short term, I got perjured again, and again, and now that my baby is 1 it is starting to rear it’s ugly face again. It totally sucks to feel so out of control. Go get em girl! Like you said… Tomorrow is another day!!
Thanks for being brave enough to share that! I really hope even just getting it out there made you feel a little better. I myself struggle with anxiety and a teensy bit of depression now and again, and I am TERRIFIED of what will happen after I have my baby in a few weeks. I just hope I can be strong enough to admit I need help and be motivated to seek it if I need to. Keep your chin up! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story. I too struggle, I am not at a point where I need meds (but have used them in the past). I have been hit hard by Depression in the last few weeks. My shoe of choice was The secret Life of the American Teenager- I watched 5 seasons in about a week- I hope tomorrow brings a better day-
((hugs))
As you can tell from your many loyal followers, you are definitely not alone. Just two weeks ago I started therapy for my depression. I’ve struggled with it since I was a teenager, it subsided for awhile after my divorce a few years ago, and now it’s back with a vengeance. I’ve never talked to a doctor about it, but my son was in therapy for his ADHD and I broke down to his counselor about it because I thought he could refer me to someone. I had already told him about my relationship with my son’s father….so he knew part of it…..and he offered to talk with me and help me figure it out. Stress is a major contributor and I’ve been pretty stressed the past few months. It’s amazing that my kids haven’t tried to have me committed already. 🙂
I love that you were brave enough to post about something so personal. Thank you! You are a wonderful, smart, creative, funny person and I’m glad that you share your talents and thoughts with us here in the blogging world. I hope that everyone’s kind words here and sharing their similar stories will help you feel better today. ♥♥
Girlfriend, my post yesterday was almost like this. I’m sulking, bored, irritated, sad, mad and everything in between.
Sometimes, life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes it sucks, and that’s okay.. It’s life.
Lot’s o’ therapy for this girl. Lot’s o’ happy pills. Been there done that, if ya wanna chat it up, we can!
xo
I get up and take my ‘happy pill’ every morning. I even have to take extra during the dark months of the year. That’s why I like to begin the new year in the spring when everything is coming back to life…..including me. I will be eternally grateful to a wonderful mother-in-law who recognized the signs years ago and got me the help I needed. Hang in there! It looks like you have oodles of support.
p.s. get out and get some fresh air and sunshine if it’s possible.
I’m there with you, too. I just came out on my blog about a month ago about my anxiety and depression. So many people had no earthly idea… which seemed really, really sad to me. It feels a lot more authentic to have it out in the open. YAY for coming out! (((virtual hugs from an understanding stranger)))
I’m in the same boat. I call it my Vitamin P…my hubs affectionately calls them my “crazy pills” and he always checks to make sure I’m not close to running out, bless his heart. Hugs to you..I know how you feel! JenT
I love that you shared this! I am building up the courage to share something of my own and reading this is such an encouragement to me! You are awesome!
Thank you SO MUCH for talking about this!! I have suffered from depression since the birth of my first child (she’s 15) and have been on medication. I tried to go off the medicine when I wanted to get pregnant again but I didn’t last a week off of it. I’ve been on it ever since and never miss a doss. I’ve comes to terms with it too. I know it’s something I’ll have to manage for the rest of my life. Not many people know about my depression. My immediate family and a few close friends. My in-laws don’t know. I think they will judge me if they knew. I’ve thought about blogging about it but always chicken out (my MIL reads my blog). Hooray for you to bring up a subject that so many people shy away from. I’m not crazy or psycho nor can I just “snap out of it” and “be happy”. I wish it was that simple but it’s not.
I’ve been kinda down for the last week and haven’t really blogged about anything. I made a lame excuse today for not blogging – saying I was busy with other stuff – but the truth is that I’m depressed and don’t feel like doing anything.
I hope you feel better soon! I know what you’re feeling so remember that you’re not alone!
Lori : )
Thrifty Decor Mom
Wish I could give you a hug and join you on the couch.
So sorry you struggle through this. You are so brave and hope that all the loving comments will be able to lift you up!
Sending lots of LOVE your way!
[/raising her hand] Another who is right there with ya. Same scene – started with the childbearing and I can’t seem to stop it. I feel ok, go off, am ok for a bit, then it comes back punching me in the gut and all I do all day is lay on the couch in my sweats. I’ve embraced my meds. They’re a good thing. They make me a mom who doesn’t snap at her kids for looking at her wrong. They allow me to get up and git r dun. And that’s a good thing.
You are beautiful! You have a beautiful family. And you have so many people who don’t even know you personally who care so much about you and what you have to say. 🙂
I don’t have depression, but there is a history of hormonal imbalance for women in my family. There are days that I am not myself and I CANNOT explain why. Hang in there!! Hugs from Illinois.
me too. all of this. me too.
thank you for posting. (& btw, I’m your friend all OVER this mofo.)
Hugs!
I’m glad you found medication and a dosage that works for you. That is a huge step.
I also hope you have “rainy day” resources, ie LOL Cats in your favorites, colorful puzzles, ect. It may not lift the fog but hopefully it can make it that much lighter.
Take care of yourself!
@Adrien – Same in my family. Do you get the migraines too? Without the birth control I can be bedridden for three days because of the hormonal imbalance.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Depression, bi-polar, and OCD run in my family too. I have been on mess since 18, and have been dx with OCD and depression. I too, wish some days that I could get off the meds, but without them, I’m a hot mess. Add menopause, and it’s worse. You can email me if ya want. I never post comments, just read! 🙂 love your writing style and blog. Hang in there. Cherry Garcia does the trick, IMHO.
This is a brave post. I’m a pharmacist so I see/hear your story all of the time. I’m glad you found what works for you…some people can’t find that!
Well done for writing this post, very honest of you! Depression is such a common illness but we all seem to shy away from it, almost like its a dirty secret, which it isn’t! It’s been 2 years of PND and PTSD for me, I’ve had so many different types of meds but finally am on a combination that work and am starting to see the positives again! I actually think bloging has helped to, been good to have something to focus on. Anyhoo, I don’t want to waffle on, but well done for talking about it x
You are definitely not alone. Depression is all around, but most people seem to be afraid to talk about it. I deal with it myself and have been since the birth of my son over 4 years ago. My little pill helps me to sleep better, actually have emotions (that aren’t sadness & crying) and function.
Allison, you are so brave to write about this. Depression can make you feel like a freak and so totally alone. I have been on meds for going on 11 years now for depression. I have learned how much med I need and how to take it to make it work the best for me. We women have to be the ones in charge of our health and listen to our bodies to do what is best for us. I also think that creative minds are more prone to depression, weird, right? Love reading your blog.
Thank you Allison. I also suffer from depression. Mine started as a child. By the time I was a teenager I was manic/bipolar depressive. I have taken medicine on and off since being a teen. I currently take medicine and have no plans to get off of it. I have thought about blogging about it, but I just couldn’t find the right words. Maybe now I will!
Please don’t beat yourself up over depression.. It is just a part of life for some and the best part of yours is you accept it for what it is… then you deal with it in a positive manner…..
Sending good vibes your way.
Sandy
Allison, I applaud you for keeping it real (like always!). I am on a low dose of antidepressants myself, and know that although it doesn’t make me feel like everything’s always sunshine and rainbows, it does help even out some of the peaks and valleys. Thanks for sharing and reminding us that there’s more to our favorite bloggers than fabulous decorating skills!
Virtual (((((HUG))))) I sent you an email.
Just wanted to say thanks for posting this – it’s so important for people to see how amazingly functional and regular those of us who suffer from depression are! And I think it maybe it can help those who suffer in silence find the courage to ask for help. I’ve fought depression for more than a decade now and it’s possibly the scariest battle I’ve ever fought or ever will, but it’s nice to be reminded that other people are fighting along with me.
I’m right here with all of you! Allison you are very brave to throw this out there. It’s sad in this day and age people still associate any mental issue with being “crazy”, it just pisses me off! I was diagnosed with depression then later found out it’s bipolar and after 10 years I still happily take my meds. I remember what it was like before I had them and NO WAY am I going back to that life! There is no shame, no guilt and no fault in doing what you need to help yourself function. I enjoy reading your blog very much and you’ve inspired me over and over again, now I’m even more impressed! Big hugs to you sweets!
You are not alone. I have had depression for (what I believe to be) my whole life. I was 22 before I even was medically evaluated. It took about 4 meds to find a good one, and I settled on zoloft. It totally changed my life, however made me incredibly anxious, which had to be handled with anti-anxiety meds.
About a year and a half ago, i went cold turkey off the zoloft, for no real reason except that I didnt want to take it anymore. I was unsure about being able to afford it, and being able to afford the doctor visit, even. So I have been off the anti depressants for a year or so, and during that time I have never felt so good! I felt like i had come out of a fog that i had been in for years. I have come up with this sickening (but awesome) positive attitude and am more comfortable in my own skin.
Unfortunately, I feel the depression coming back.i dont necessarily feel bad, but I am noticing that I have NO energy and NO motivation 🙁
I know the feeling…its not a suicidal, need to be locked up, kind of depression.
Just one that is superbly inconvenient and not fun.
But if a pill in the a.m. helps you get through the day, do what you gotta do. Dont want to go back on my zoloft, but I might.
Hope you are feeling better 🙂
Clinical depression runs in my family, and very few have escaped that fate. And in a cruel twist, we’ve also inherited a genetic quirk that renders antidepressant medication ineffective after having been on it awhile. Oh, yippie! (If I have to inherit something, why can’t it be abundant, naturally wavy hair? You know, something useful?) What has helped me, in conjunction with whichever antidepressant medication that is currently working for me, is cognitive therapy. About ten years ago, I saw a therapist for a few months and she taught me the techniques. It has turned out to be the most effective tool I know for fighting the inertia that so often heralds the onset of another bad episode. (Those days where it seems like a really good idea to stay in your pajamas all day and eat bacon? Yeah, those.) Cognitive therapy has made a huge difference in my life, and sees me through those times when I’m weaning off one medication in preparation for the next.
You rock. Thanks for sharing this. I’m currently on Zoloft. I was one of those people that fought it for 28 years and now I feel the same as you. Why not take a little pill and make everyone’s day better? (B/c if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy) Anyway, it’s always great to hear from others going through it too. Rock on!
Ahhh, the joys of depression. Seems like alot of us have been there with you. I know I have. Heck, no one’s perfect!
I hope you realize how awesome you are though! You have tons of followers and tons of friends…I can’t get through a day without checking out your blog!
You are an inspiration.
Stay well!
One, I think your blog is awesome. I read it everyday.
Two, you are hysterically funny and insightful on it.
Three, you are so not alone. I take my little happy pill everyday for anxiety. And I realize too that it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
Thank you so much for talking about this. We can all get through this together.
Your story is my story. Hugs to you today and I’ve got my fingers crossed that tomorrow is a good day – for both of us. 😉
Ah…it’s like we’re reading each other’s minds today as far as topics to post about…
http://compulsivediy.blogspot.com/2011/04/sunny-san-diego.html
P.S. In response to your last post about friends…I’ve been blogging for 8 months and just hit my 5th follower. Yup, 5. 🙁 I definitely get that part, too…
Bless your heart…same story here. I have found the last few years that it is harder and harder each time I go off my meds to pull myself out of it and start taking it again. Last fall was bad enough I just wanted to die…needless to say, I will not be going off them ever again. Thank you for sharing and making me not feel so alone…I appreciate your honesty and courage. Hoping your days will shine for you again very soon.
Hello Allison, I’ve just recently found your blog. It amazes me that someone can feel the same things I do about a similar problem I’ve had for over ten years. Also amazing is your ability to share it so coherently. I have a seizure condition that is stress induced. That is right, if I’m worried about paying the bills or getting to work on time I might have a seizure. For over seven years I took 300 mg daily of anti-seizure medication. I hated that something so small could have such an effect on daily life. I felt that maintaining my sanity should be in my own hands and decided a year ago to wean myself off. It was hard and I tried some homeopathic alternatives and they work. Of course there is a but following that statement, those alternatives are expensive (very). Acupuncture alone is $60 a week (they are also time consuming). So I’ve decided to go back on meds, starting at a lower dosage, until I’m done with culinary school. I want to be able to live a life free of medication but I understand that may not be possible for me (for now) and I commend your honesty with yourself and us out in the world. The best thing I’ve found when I get too deep in my own head is forcing myself out into the real world with real people. There is no way I’ll be ornery while I wander around the art museum. It forces me to take a look at my behavior and adjust my attitude (as my mother said to me constantly as a teenager). Medication is not bad, our independence from it isn’t either. Our lives involve choices, lots of them, thank you for sharing yours.
You are THE WOMAN! How awesome for you to share this with all of your readers… I am thankful for your honesty in all things, expecially this issue. Hang in there, stay STRONG, and continue to be your beautiful honest self!
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. You are not alone by any means! I can relate to everything you shared. Please know that your blog is amazing and you bring a lot of great things to a lot of people. We’re all in this together!
We have the same skeleton. 🙂 But mine comes with the added bonus of situational anxiety attacks and insomnia. Nearly every female in my family is on or has been on anti-depressants. I’ve accepted that I’ll probably be on medication for life. And I’m totally good with that. Taking my meds is way better than sitting in the corner crying. 😉 Hang in there. Talking about it helps and it looks like you’ve got plenty of us to listen to you!
Gurl, you are totally not alone. I suffer from terrible Panic Disorder… diagnostic code 300.01 for all of those that care. lol. I’m glad you found your drug of choice – I have extra if you want it. I’m on to bigger and better meds now, which totally kick butt! I <3 them!
Just remember, it could always be worse — you could be the other not-bestest-sister-ever. If you know what I mean. She's about as hot of a mess as a hot mess can come!
Let's get together this weekend and Silhouette my kitchen!
Oh Sweet Lady! You are not alone. It’s so funny cause “Funk” is EXACTLY what I call them… I used to be anti-meds, but after struggles in my life I came to the same realization….. Instead of trying to get off of them I will just accept the fact and live!
loves and smiles,
Kirsten
I know exactly how you feel. I have tried to get off the meds a few times, only to become a total wreck and go back on them. I’ve tried a few different ones, and still don’t think I’ve quite found the right one for me.
It took me a long time to accept that I had depression, that I had to take medication, but people take medication for all sorts of other conditions – high blood pressure, cholesterol – and it’s ok. It’s not our fault that we feel this way. There are really bad days, but there are great days as well.
Thank you for posting this!
wow. you got guts girl. like, i love you and your blog and read each and every post, but like…i love it/you more now more than ever because of that post. it takes a lot to be honest about yourself and let out a skeleton to thousands of people like you did.
crazy how you know your body to so well! while i don’t suffer from depression, i do have high blood pressure and severe migraines, both in which i have to take medicine for on a daily basis. it sucks and i hate it, but i have come to accept that that is how it is going to be for the rest of my life.
so sorry that you are having “one of those days”. hope that by posting, a little bit of the weight has lifted and that tomorrow will be a better day for you.
big bloggy hugs comin’ atcha!
I think you are so awesome for admitting this and talking about it. I think more people should! You rock!!
me too. i fought taking them for a long time because i thought God would just heal me if i read my bible more, prayed more, etc.. but, praise him, i had a breakthrough and finally realized that God could also help me through medicine to get to a better place emotionally, and spiritually.
My husband and our son both suffer from depression. I decided years ago that this was nothing we would hide or be embarrassed by…if they suffered from diabetes and required daily insulin, no one would think twice about it.
Take a deep breath and do not worry about it…this is real life we are living.
You have a lot of heart to post this! Thank you for sharing your experience with depression. I’ve suffered from post partum after one of my children was born, and wow, no one can judge what your head does to your life during those times. It just happens and it’s what we have to learn to live with.
Anyway, sending power and love your way!
I agree with others who have said it, this is a brave post. Good for you for putting it out there, as you did with the weight loss post. One reason why I like you so much besides the obvious fact (that you are SO cool!) is that you are so real! Your honesty is refreshing.
Depression is so prevalent these days that it’s hard to swing a dead cat in a room without hitting 10 folks that suffer from it (sorry if I offended any cat people out there, I am actually the loving and adoring mom to 3 sweet kitties — well 2 sweet kitties and 1 demon spawn, but that’s a whole other Oprah IYKWIM — so I say the “dead cat” thing just for emphasis and not because I particularly dislike cats and wish death on them. Ok, I’ll just stop now.).
Where was I? Oh, yeah, it seems so many people have depression, and anxiety, these days — I don’t know if it’s because it’s talked about more openly and people are willing to admit to it, or if we are being better diagnosed, or if it’s the state of our environment or what, but it sure is common; in fact, I think I know more depressed people than non-depressed ones. I think it runs in families, so many people in my own family have it, including me (I also have anxiety — THAT is just mental torture, thank goodness my meds have stomped that down!). I am the sole support of myself and my 3 kitties, so I HAVE to get out of bed every day and go to work, and frankly, I don’t know how I am able to drag myself together half the time. I guess just by sheer force. It is not fun.
Point being, you are not alone, and we are all behind you. You have friends who you don’t even know IRL who support you, because you are so cool and we love you.
Wishing you better days ahead,
Kimberly
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve suffered with depression on and off for the last 3 years. I have my good days and bad days and a lot of times I forget that there are so many people out there who can relate. FYI, studies have shown that those who are on anti-d’s AND are in therapy are more likely see long term positive results and less relapse. I’ve heard that Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy is effective. I haven’t been able to build up enough courage to seek out a therapist (I’m currently on anti-d’s), but its something I’m seriously looking into. I wish you all the best and again, thanks for your courage.
Very brave post! When you are struggling and feeling down there is little that one can say that will make you feel better or pick you up. Just remember that you aren’t alone. Do your absolute best to pick yourself up, get out in the sun, try to get some exercise and embrace the medication. Hang in there. Many share your diagnosis.
I have it too. I take a pill everyday. And ya know what? I love my life, my husband, my house. There’s no reason for it. Just like for some people there’s no reason why they have high blood pressure. Bodies do strange things sometimes. But if one pill makes me feel better, I’m taking it. HOH, thanks for posting that. Keep your chin up. There are MILLIONS of people on anti-depresants and you would never know it.
Thank you so much for you honesty. I also suffer from depression. It can be horrible. Mental illness has such a negative stigma that many people do not want to talk about it. However, the more we talk, the more we make it normal, the more it will become accepted, just as other diseases are. We would never be ashamed to have heart disease, but we feel the need to hide our brain diseases. Much love and sunshine to you and I hope you get out of your funk soon. xoxo
I Love You – you’re the best! Keep your chin high – I’ll always be here for you. You have an amazing group of readers, too. The overwhelming response and support they have provided has been phenomenal.
Thank you for sharing, Allison. It takes a lot to open up to so many people about a personal struggle. I have my own to overcome, and someday I hope I have the guts to spill it to everyone. I admire your courage!
Bless your heart.
hi Allison
My sister has struggled with depression her whole life, but was smart enough to realize it and get help when she was in college. My mothers generation didn’t acknowledge depression at all – so my mom always just thought she was sad. My mother in law has also suffered her whole life and did not get treatment for it until she was in her 70’s. We have to watch her meds carefully and even now she lives in a nursing home and we have to remind the drs and nurses to split her doses and give them to her at the exact time each day or she gets all messed up.
We are lucky now that so many strides have been taken to educate and get the word out that depression is like any other affliction that you have no control over. I have seen the ups and downs first hand and how they can effect daily life. Just know you are not alone. Finding the right med and dosage is key.
My best- Diane
Sorry to hear about your depression. You are very brave. My prayers are with you. Take care.
I am in the same club. Email me if you ever want to get together.
I appreciate your honesty. I know that’s not easy. My husband of 17 years has struggled with depression for the last 15 of those years, his mother for the last 30. Some people say depression isn’t real, it’s “all in your head.” You and I know it’s a real disease that is insidious but at least manageable. There’s no shame in taking those little blue pills. By sharing your story you might just reach one of your readers who needs help but is afraid or ashamed to get it. That’s a beautiful thing. I hope you feel better soon and will say a prayer for you. (Love your blog, btw!)
You should definitely feel loved and supported with all these wonderful comments. When I read your post I thought I had wrote it! It is me to the Tee! I have a family history of depression and BP as well. Sometimes the big D rears its ugly head and we just have to let it runs its course. Tomorrow will be a better day! I know I hate it when people say, well just wake up happy! Depression just doesn’t work that way…
I feel the same way sometimes. Actually I’ve thought about going to the Dr for it but I’m one of those who likes to believe I can control it without medicine. Unfortunately, I just don’t think that’s true some days. Plus, it scares the you-know-what out of me because my mother is bipolar.
Props to you for not being afraid to admit it and doing what you need to do about it.
Thank you for such a revealing and timely message. I can learn much from your acceptance attitude.
hang in there! have your moment/moments, I hope they pass quickly!
I can not thank you enough for this post!! You are not alone. I have suffered from depression on and off for several years. Recently I’ve been struggling w/the big decision of getting back on meds. and/or counceling. Waking up this morning and reading this was a huge eye opener! Depression is one of those things in my family that is a no-no. I can’t really talk to ANYONE about it, even though most of my family suffers from it and refuses to do anything about it. So anyway, it is so nice to see someone who seems so together and spunky, going thru the same thing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! Hope tomorrows a better day for you!
I love you Allison and am so glad to “know” you…This has been a very rough winter/spring for me, too. I am so grateful for people like you…sometimes life can get lonely.
Bless your heart, Allison. I’m part of the ‘club’ too. It’s always bugged me that my biological father was bipolar. In those days they called it Manic Depressive. For years I was afraid to tell docs about how I really feel – like they were gonna lock me up and throw away the key.
There were periods when they actually SHOULD have done that!
Thank goodness, they now have better meds and a better understanding of depression and it’s biochemical nature.
But thank you for being ‘real’ enough to blog about it!
Wow, thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. The things you described fit me to a “t”. I’ve tried different medications over the years, but there are still some dark days where I feel like there is just a dark cloud hanging over my head. It’s almost a physical manifestation, it’s so hard to describe to someone that has never experienced it. My husband is very understanding, but some days he just thinks I should “snap out of it”. Right now I’m trying to decide if I should stop taking my current medicine, but it’s scary. I don’t want to turn into the angry person again. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing! As you can see, so many of us are in the same wavy boat. Sometimes it is smooth sailing- other times the waves could drown you (me with bed covers :))I had (have) depression/anxiety much like you. I have tried a couple times to wean from my meds, but then I become a person I don’t want to be for my God,husband, kids, family, and dear friends. It is impossible for our bodies to regulate everything the way it is supposed to be. The meds help me to be who God wants me to be. Prayerfully, I will continue to ask God for wisdom- I take it day by day for actions and decisions. Thanks you AGAIN!
I’m right there with ya, sister! Sending you lots of love and hugs!
Just wanted to say thanks for your courage. I have taken them for most of my adult life. Depression runs in my family. I know that there are those that subscribe to the “weak of mind” but I know now that is crap.
I also take high blood pressure medication. Should I be able to change that by grabbing hold of my boot straps?? Nope! it is a medical condition as is my depression. And if I am a much better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and woman, because I have to take a few pills than that is what I will do!!
Hi! I just happen to find your blog through another and reading this makes me think if I too have had depression….. I recently moved away from ALL my family and had never lived away from them and there are days I feel like you do…. I always thought it was my lazy butt! Really!! Sometimes I feel like I just want to stay in bed all day…. I cry very easily!!! Ill be driving and boom the tears come…
Thank you very much for this post!
Abby
You are so brave–good for you for posting this! I have battled extreme anxiety and panic for years, although it has been kept at bay with two little pills every morning for the last 6 yrs. I don’t really understand the mentality of not wanting to take the drugs…I look at it the same as if you had high blood pressure or asthma. It is a chemical imbalance that is controlled by medication and there is no shame in that. Love your blog. Hope today is a good day for you!! HUGS!
i was JUST sitting here reminding myself that i have forgotten to take my pill the last 2 days. i can totally tell b/c i just about bit my poor daughter’s head off over the dumbest thing. then i clicked on your blog and read this post. i had ppd after child #1 but not too bad so i dealt w/ it myself. had it REAL bad after child #2 and soooo should have sought help but didn’t b/c i thought i needed to control it b/c i’m a Christian and Christians need to seek help from God. then my preacher’s wife reminded me that depression is a real thing derived from real imbalances in your body that have NOTHING to do w/ not seeking God’s help. it’s also rampant in my family so why did it surprise me that i had it too?? anyway, i FINALLY got the help i needed a yr ago and am sooooo thankful i did. i try not to look back w/ regret and “if only i had done this sooner” b/c that doesn’t help me either. i just try not to forget to take it every day like i have the last 2 days and thank God that He put people on the planet who came up w/ something to help us!!!!!!!!! you’re not alone girl, and i stopped stalking ur blog and became one of your newest followers!!! thanks for sharing!!
Hey–thanks for your honesty! I’m so proud of you for just talking it out and not letting it take over. That’s a GREAT attitude for you to have for getting past this funk today! You go girl!
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have struggled with depression off an on again since the birth of my son. When life hits you hard you just want to curl up in a ball under the covers and not move. I don’t ever feel the urge to harm others much less myself either, but its just a funk. Ive been trying to fight the meds for a while, but recently through dealing with our secondary infertility, I feel like I cant fight it on my own anymore, and I will need to be on something soon. Every commercial makes me cry, every movie with two or more kids makes me teary. Your blog is an inspiration, and the fact that you came out and shared something so personal makes im sure a lot of us feel good that we are not alone either!
It’s interesting that you posted this entry today, as I am once again dealing with the ugly face of depression in my boyfriend this week. We’ve been dating a year now, and it seems like just about once a month or so his depression rears up really bad and he goes in to this shut down mode. I personally don’t have depression so it’s super hard for me to understand why at these times he just needs to call off work and sit at home and veg. We fight about it every time because to me it seems like he is just being lazy and avoiding his responsibilities, and I end up feeling super worried about our future because I’m scared of him not being able to hold down a job due to calling off so much and I worry about the traits and behaviors that he would pass down to our kids if we ever have any. Before I started dating him, I didn’t have the first clue about depression and I hate that it’s so taboo and no one really talks about it. It is sometimes sooooo hard to love someone who has depression. I know that seems like a mean thing to say, because it’s no one’s fault if they have depression and of course they deserve to be loved, but like the commercial says, depression effects everyone around you…and it SUCKS. I love my boyfriend very much and I’m thankful that his good days more than make up for his bad days, but man oh man depression sure is a pain in the ass.
And dont you just want to throttle people that think it’s just a bad mood you could shake off if you just “wanted to”???? I have dealt with the same issues you describe all my life too!! Right now is really bad because I have a health issue that has really slowed my activity to almost nothing, real fun!! I’m sorry you are down the hole today, but, like you said maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope so for your sake darlin! Please try not to let it get you down too much, there are obviously people here who love you. And I signed up as a follower………does that help?? I’m a new reader via email for the last few weeks and enjoy your posts very much….you are so talented and creative!! And you are fun! Take care, VBg. PS I don’t FB or Tweet, sorry or I’d surely like you there as well!!
And dont you just want to throttle people that think it’s just a bad mood you could shake off if you just “wanted to”???? I have dealt with the same issues you describe all my life too!! Right now is really bad because I have a health issue that has really slowed my activity to almost nothing, real fun!! I’m sorry you are down the hole today, but, like you said maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope so for your sake darlin! Please try not to let it get you down too much, there are obviously people here who love you. And I signed up as a follower………does that help?? I’m a new reader via email for the last few weeks and enjoy your posts very much….you are so talented and creative!! And you are fun! Take care, VBg. PS I don’t FB or Tweet, sorry or I’d surely like you there as well!! Have a better day tomorrow.
Thank you so much for having the courage to discuss this. I, too, suffer from depression. Sometimes sharing your trials doesn’t help you right away but you never know how your story may have helped someone else.
Maybe this will make you smile. My husband works for a member of the House of Representatives, but when I type “House” into Google you pop up first. Actually, when I type ‘H’ into google you pop up first.
I think you are hilarious. I found you thanks to TDC and the first post I read was your bathroom post. I kept reading snippets to my husband until he finally decided to read it himself.
I’m going to go grab a Diet Dr. Pepper and some Lindor truffles. I hope you have a great weekend!
YOU are not alone in this. I wish I was still in Texas! We could get thru this together.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s such a taboo subject but brave people are coming forward. I too have the type of depression you described. I am coming up on one year taking meds and it has changed my life. I resisted for so long, but I now accept that it’s part of me, and that if the little pill helps me survive, and even thrive, it’s worth it. I’m not brave enough yet to share it.
Thanks for sharing !!! Much love to you.
I too take two of those blue pills in the morning as well as others for anxiety and sleep… and still have those dark days. I just came out of one of those funks that you speak of. I know, and a lot of your readers know exactly what you’re going through. I wanted to ask you something personal though – how does your family deal with it? After my first child, I had severe PPD that lasted for a year. I didn’t even consider that I had depression until after it had ended. During that time was complete hell for my family. So much so that it almost ended my marriage numerous times. After our second child, I realized the same symptoms and was smart enough to get help. Along with therapy and pills, there has been improvement but I think we’re still trying to find the right meds for me. My husband is a big help with me when I’m down, but it makes me feel like he has to do everything. He shouldn’t have to deal with these mood swings and everything. I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this. I guess what I’m trying to say is, what can/do you do to help your family when you get into these funks?
Oh, have you read dooce? Her blog and book helped me through my roller coaster ride of life.
My daughter and I both struggle with this also. We even recently went through her attempting to overdose. This episode forced us to all face the problem head on. We are learning the steps to deal with it all.
Prayers for you!
thank you for sharing i admire you for being open about it. ive been there and it really does help to know there are other people out there that have problems as well. when i was in my 20’s i was diagnosed as anxious manic depressive with social anxiety disorder. most people were shocked to hear this who knew me because im such a happy upbeat person. you have your good days and your bad days, but it helps to know youre not alone
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I can relate ( I don’t like to say “understand” because everyone is different and no one can ever truly understand what others are going through). I suffer from bipolar and let me tell you, it’s no fun. Some days it’s a struggle just to breathe. Be very thankful that you’ve found a drug that works for you. I’ve been on countless combinations over the years to no avail. It sucks, but you deal with what you’re dealt, right? Anyway, keep your chin up and a positive attitude and take those meds!!! I love your blog and appreciate your courage to be open about your struggles.
Me too. I will never go off my medicine again, and I am ok with that.
WOW!!!! What a response. More people fight this fight than you would think.
I am right there with you. I too have battled depression/anxiety. Medication is very important to my well being. Also having a
dr/ psychiatrist who KNOWS these medications. I had 2 different drs that screwed me up really bad. Took me longer to get back to normal from their screwie ideas of what was wrong with me. Listen to yourself… you know you better than anyone else, even if they have a DR in front of their name.
I have now found a med/dr combo that is working for me. I also have given myself PERMISSION to have “bad” days. I just let it be okay to “take the day off”. The world doesn’t stop if I just don’t do anything on my bad days.
Hang in there and
“Just keep swimming swimming” (like Dorie says)
Bravo to you for your strength and willingness to share. You never know the lives you will touch. I love your blog, your ideas, and the changes/updates you have done to your own home.
First off, I want to say that I love your blog and what you have continued to teach us and that you share your ideas with us. But I just need to say that your comment that “BTW I don’t have Bipolar, thank God” is demeaning. I DO have Bipolar and have a family history with it. I struggle every day but I do the best I can. Having Bipolar is not the worst thing in the world but with comments like yours, you would think it is.
You are amazing!!!!
I have also struggled with depression off and on since high school. Definitely runs in my family and people that have not had that experience do not understand. My husband doesn’t understand why I do not just go to bed when I am depressed rather than gorge myself with food. I don’t either except that for some reason it comforts me at the time, though my weight has always been the main reason for my depression. Vicious cycle! I wish you the best!
I LURVE you. I can identify with you on the depressive disorder. I have suffered for years as well. I have 3 girls- (almost) 3, 5, and 14. and…..you know….”when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” whew….some days it’s rough. I’ll have you kmow that I have you at the top of my Google reader list, bookmarked you, FB’d you, Twittered….and i don’t know what else….so other than sneaking up behind you & tapping you on the shoulder……I feel like I am cyber-stalking you. Ha! But- it’s all good. I love (lurve) visiting your blog for inspiration.
If you haven’t already, ask your dr to let you try Cymbalta. It is the best. I tried most of the others and they either didn’t work, or worked only for a few months. Cymbalta has been working for several yrs now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this! Depression is so taboo…and it shouldn’t be. Like you, I have suffered for many years. My grandmother had a lobotomy because she was in a vegetative state due to depression. It runs in the family. Anyhoo, an applaud you for talking about this….I am your newest follower!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this! I am now a follower due to this entry. I am thrilled to see people talking about depression and PPD…that’s how we get rid of the stigma. You are not alone, not crazy and VERY brave! I’m right there with you…depression sucks!
I’m right there with you! My “happy vitamins” get me through! I just have to remind myself that my brain is an organ just like anything else in my body and right now it just isn’t making enough of the right chemicals to keep me acting like myself. Thank goodness for modern medicine!
I am right there with ya girl! I have found life runs smoother (sometimes just runs) better when I take my little pill in the morning too. It took me a LONG time to come to terms with it, but one day I finally made the decision that its not going away and I am not going to let it run my life. I was lucky enough to have found a natural pill that works much better than the pharmaceutical I was taking. But, nonetheless, I use it daily and I am not ashamed.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I struggled with severe depression for a LONG time, years ago. I never knew what was causing it, and was like you…had no problem taking anti-depressants, if they helped. Unfortunately, I tried most of them and they did not or only helped a little. Anyway, MIRACULOUSLY I went to just the right doctor who was going to test my hormone levels (because for me it was OBVIOUSLY hormonally related). Before she did the test though, she said, “get of birth control” (she was very against the stuff). So, I thought ok…I’ll try it. I had been on them for years before I was depressed (and wasn’t), so I didnt think it would be them. But unbelievable, my depression was gone in about a wk of not taking them. So, if you are like me…will try anything…go off BC (if on) for just 1 month and see if it makes a difference.
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with depression. Having been there myself I know how difficult it is. I will pray for you, your healing, and that you will find the cause and find peace.
As you’ve probably read hundreds of times already, you are not alone. Mine crept up on me just before I turned 30 a few years ago. I was fine one day and couldn’t not function at all the next. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced and I would not wish depression on my worst enemy (btw- I don’t have any =) ). In all seriousness, I know it’s easier said than done but when you’re not at “your best” just know that it’s not just you that have these experiences. Focus on staying calm and on the love that surrounds you. I continue to stay on medication and at first thought it just confirmed that I was crazy. It’s ok and know in your heart that it WILL be ok.
Thank you for sharing your story. Depression has too long been considered a stigma and it doesn’t need to be. It’s a treatable condition that is more common than people realize. Hugs and prayers to you and know that you are not alone.
Wow! Thank you so much for this post. I suffer from it too. It hit hard when my kids were about 1 and 3. I was the most irritable person on the planet for a long time. It wasn’t until I read online that depression doesn’t just have to be the melancholy type – but can actually surface as anger – that I finally found some help. It was rough going in the beginning to get the meds right, but now, 9 years later, it is just using my regular meds and paying close attention to my moods. I am not ashamed that chemicals make my life so much better than in the past.